Building trust and connection through playful attachment

Hello again,

We're in the kitchen and my youngest is four years old.

She's bright and funny and, perhaps, the most articulate of my four children.

But on this occasion, she has other things in mind.

Geh-Geh! she says, eyes wide.

Hello Geh-Geh! Are you hungry? Would you like some milk? Or a cuddle and a nursery rhyme?

Geh-Geh! she nods. She raises her arms and looks at us expectantly. You have understood, her expression says. Pick me up.

It's a game she likes to play and the rules are simple: I say 'Geh-Geh' and you pretend that I'm a baby again.

So, we rock her and sing nursery rhymes. We put food on a spoon. Even her too-cool and cynical brothers sometimes join in the fun. These moments of regression aren’t just adorable - they’re important. They show that, even as she grows in independence, she still seeks reassurance and nurturing. It’s our job to meet her where she is emotionally.

This kind of play is one example of how attachment bonds are formed and strengthened. It’s through these small, tender moments that we build the trust our children need to confidently explore the world. And the games we play - whether it’s peekaboo or hide-and-seek - are far more significant than they might seem.

Attachment and trust: The foundation of play

Attachment is the emotional bond that makes your child feel secure, loved, and ready to explore her environment. A significant milestone in this bond is the development of object permanence - the understanding that objects and people continue to exist even when they are out of sight. This is a cognitive leap that begins to emerge around 8 to 12 months of age and has profound implications for your child’s attachment and play.

What is object permanence?

Object permanence is the concept that things do not cease to exist simply because they are no longer visible. For an infant, this understanding is not innate. When you hide a toy under a blanket and she doesn’t search for it, it’s because, in her mind, the toy has ceased to exist. As her brain develops, she begins to realise that the toy is still there, even if she can’t see it.

Before and after object permanence

Before object permanence develops, your child’s world is one of immediate sensations. Out of sight truly means out of mind. This is why games like peekaboo are so thrilling - when your face disappears, it’s a mystery! Has mummy winked out of existence? But as she grows, she starts to anticipate your return, squealing with delight when you reappear. This marks the beginning of a deeper understanding of continuity and trust.

After object permanence is firmly established, your child’s play becomes more sophisticated. She might hide toys herself, engage in hide-and-seek, or explore separation games with greater confidence. This cognitive skill also underpins her ability to manage short separations from you, as she understands that you will come back.

Implications for play and attachment

Understanding object permanence allows you to tailor your play and interactions. Separation games like peekaboo or hiding objects encourage her to practice this concept in a fun, low-stakes way. These games not only strengthen her cognitive abilities but also reinforce her trust in you, helping to build a secure attachment. Knowing you’ll always return, even after leaving the room, supports her independence and willingness to explore.

Object permanence in a broader context

Object permanence is not just for children; it has broader implications in psychology. For adults, it relates to our ability to trust that people and relationships persist even when they’re not immediately present. Difficulties in this area can lead to challenges in relationships, such as anxiety about abandonment or a need for constant reassurance. This broader understanding highlights the importance of fostering this concept early in life through consistent, loving interactions.

By incorporating playful activities that support object permanence, you’re giving your child the tools to develop trust, resilience, and independence. And remember, these milestones are just as much about enjoying the journey as they are about the destination. Through games and interactions, you’re building a foundation of security and joy that will serve her for a lifetime.

Attachment is the emotional bond that makes your child feel secure, loved, and ready to explore her environment. But trust is at the heart of this bond. Your child needs to know, deep down, that you’ll come back when you leave. It’s this trust that allows her to let go of your hand and engage with new experiences, people, and challenges.

Insecurity, however, can show up in unexpected ways. A clingy or tantrum-prone child might just be asking the question, Can I trust you to be there when I need you?

And that’s where play can be transformational.

Separation games: Teaching trust, one giggle at a time

Games like peekaboo and hide-and-seek may seem simple, but they’re profound. Through them, you’re teaching your child that things - and people - can disappear and come back. You’re showing her that separations are temporary, predictable, and safe.

But not all separation games are created equal. Have you ever noticed that toddlers prefer to hide themselves rather than have you hide? That’s because when they’re in control of the game, they can reveal themselves whenever they need a hug or reassurance. It’s a powerful way for them to explore separation while maintaining a sense of safety.

And these are just a few of the tools at your disposal. Separation games are one of the nine types of attachment play, all designed to strengthen your bond and build your child’s emotional resilience.

The Play Tools: Inside Co-Conspirators

In my free emails, I love sharing stories and ideas about the science of play. But if you’re ready to dive deeper, you’ll find all nine attachment play tools inside The Play Tools - a resource available exclusively in my paid community, Co-Conspirators.

Each tool is designed to address a specific attachment behaviour, helping your child feel safe, valued, and loved. Whether it’s symbolic play to process big emotions or nonsense play to diffuse tension, these tools turn everyday moments into opportunities for connection and growth.

Final word

Peekaboo, hide-and-seek, building dens, or even becoming ‘Geh-Geh’ for an afternoon - these are all small acts with big implications. They build trust, foster security, and set the stage for your child’s growing independence.

So today, turn off your phone, grab a toy, and get ready to play. And remember, when you leave the room—or the house—don’t tiptoe away. Let your child know you’re going and reassure her that you’ll come back. That’s the foundation of trust.

Happy playing! Let me know what games your child loves and how they’ve helped your connection grow.

Warmest wishes,

Alexis

P.S. Want more? Check out The Play Tools in Co-Conspirators for in-depth, actionable ways to strengthen your bond through play.